The holidays in normal circumstances can be hectic, grueling, and stressful. For many years I have been asked by companies to talk about reducing stress to better enjoy the holiday season. The normal stressors each year include shopping, not enough time, work issues, planning, budgeting, loneliness, sadness, and melancholy feelings of past holidays. But this year is in a realm of its own. This year the pandemic has produced an intensity that out shadows anything we have experienced before.
Meeting Holiday Commitments Can Feel Like a Burden
Many people today are feeling torn with pressure from family and friends regarding holiday gatherings. Wanting to meet the needs of children, siblings, spouses, friends, etc., I see many people unable to express their own feelings. Sometimes the desire to make others happy is so strong it can cause you to sacrifice not only your own emotions, but also your safety. Holiday commitments can feel like a burden.
I believe the problem of multiple demands from others can actually hold a gift—the gift of developing a greater sense of personal responsibility. Being personally responsible is the ability to be accountable for yourself and your choices. It means hearing your own inner voice and not being dissuaded with others’ opinions when you feel certain about your own choices. It sometimes means making the hard calls because you are trusting your inner, core wisdom. When you find yourself being pulled in different directions, its time to take a deep look within your own heart and find your inner strength.
Steps for Being Personally Responsible and Finding Freedom from Guilt
1. Understand that guilt is a self-imposed emotion
No one can make you feel guilty (or any other feelings for that matter). If you are responding to requests, subtle pressure, or even outright demands because you feel like you have to make others happy at your own expense, you are not honoring yourself. Your attempt to keep others happy is probably something you have been doing for years. It is intensified during this time. If you want to break free from this guilty reaction to pressure from others, you need to see that you are not wrong or bad for honestly expressing your own feelings.
2. You have the key to unlock the prison of pain or guilt
Since guilt is a story you tell yourself, you can change the story and see that you have a right to speak from your own desires and needs. Expressing your feelings does not make you unloving. If you are allowing others’ opinions to be more important than your own, it is you, and only you, who can recognize and speak your feelings of what is true and best for you. Your self-doubt is the result of needing to please others. Ask yourself, “What do I fear? What is the threat to my security?” And then ask yourself if its true or just an imagined outcome.
3. Take a mindful moment to separate your feelings from the opinions of others
When we are pressured, we cannot think clearly. Take some time in silence and allow yourself the opportunity to contemplate other options. There are always options. It does not have to be just one way. If you are quiet and mindful, you will find solutions from your inner wisdom. Consider when you sacrifice yourself, you unwittingly create unconscious feelings of resentment. Find your inner core of strength so that you can speak from your own, authentic voice. If you are putting undue pressure on others, think about your intent and if you are being fair to your loved ones. Authentic relationships are open and honest, not demanding and controlling.
4. Family issues are golden opportunities to learn to love unconditionally
Family tension, sibling rivalries, conflict over parents, being the favorite, children’s demands on parents, and other combinations of family disputes are all bubbling to the surface during the extreme circumstances of a pandemic. Become aware of the different viewpoints and understand we all see things differently. Finding peaceful solutions can come about when we are all respectfully honest. If you are experiencing undue stress and anxiety with family members, you are not alone. But I believe this is a golden opportunity to extend love and forgiveness to family members. When we can see we are all different, even in one family, and still love each other, what a gift! What a blessing! And conversely, if we cannot love and find peace in our own families, how can we ever bring about peace in our communities, our country, and our world?
5. Communicate genuine feelings with clarity and compassion
Once we are clear about our own intentions and desires, it is important to express them to others in a clear, non-judgmental way. You can start by telling family members that you understand their hopes for a happy family gathering. You can share your own similar sentiments. Then you can share your concerns and ideas with different options that might work for everyone. Be prepared for resistance and be patient, while still remembering your own underlying desires. You can suggest that everyone think about it and talk again at a set time. When you have a discussion where everyone feels heard and has a chance to make suggestions, you can usually find more than one possibility or solution.
6. Remember that this is temporary
Though this year has been monumental and unprecedented—it is temporary. Remaining safe and making decisions out of right-minded thinking and not collapsing into weakness or premature actions, can make for a better time and future for all of us. Yesterday we lost a beloved family member to Covid. These sad stories are closer and more frequent, and we need to still be vigilant. These are difficult times, and we all must share in the protection of one another. But there is a silver-lining. This too shall pass.
